To begin this section, it is important to state that consent this is not limited to male and female situations.
Consent pertains to EVERYONE regardless of your gender identity or choice of sexual partner(s).
Persons of ANY gender identity can be a sexual predator or be sexually taken advantage of. Men can rape men and we also would like to note the common misconception that men cannot be raped by women or that women can not rape other women. This is completely untrue and absolutely dangerous that it is not often spoken about or acknowledged often enough.
For our purposes, “consent” will be defined as an agreement between participants to engage in sexual activity. The word “adult” will be defined as anyone who is old enough to consciously and independently consent to participating in a sexual situation. Some states do have different ages for consent, so it is vital that you know the age of consent for sexual contact for the state you are in.
All of that being said, because persons of any age can be sexually abused or assaulted it is never too early to educate anyone about what consent is, what it means and how to establish personal boundaries for yourself and then be able to recognize when they have been breached.
Consent should always be an enthusiastic, clear and voluntary act. It is important to NEVER assume that someone is consenting to your sexual advances. If someone is wishy washy or hesitant to your advances that does NOT imply consent. Just because someone does not directly say no, doesn’t respond or even responds with ‘maybe’ does NOT mean that they consent.
Consent is MANDATORY.
If you consent to one thing, it doesn’t mean that you consent to other acts. What that means is that just because you may consent to someone kissing you, it doesn’t automatically mean that you consent to someone kissing AND touching you.
You have the right to WITHDRAW consent at any time. Just because you consented at the beginning of a sexual act, doesn’t mean that you don’t have the right to change your mind. You are by no means required to continue with any sexual act just because you started one.
What if someone is inebriated? Can they consent to sexual acts? No, they can not.
If someone is inebriated (passing out, has vomited, has limited or no response when being spoken to) they are not able to grant consent. Consent cannot be given when an individual does not have the capability to purposely choose to participate in sexual activity.
Inebriation can happen in many ways. We are quick to recognize someone over indulging in alcohol as the most common cause of inebriation, however it can also be caused by being high on mind altering substances, legal prescriptions, as well as over the counter medications that can make you drowsy. If you wouldn’t enter a legal contract on it, it belongs in this category.
Consent cannot be coerced or manipulated.
What this means is that if someone guilt trips you for not liking them back or tries to wear your resolve of not being interested down by repeatedly asking you to change your mind or trying to make you feel sorry for them, that you are being manipulated into having sex.
Perhaps they continually bring up sex or sexual acts repeatedly in conversation even after you’ve asked them to not to do so. This is done to wear down your boundaries and normalize sexual situations with this person. This is often referred to as grooming and while we often only think of children being groomed by predator, adults can also be groomed.
Predators might even threaten to hurt you or themselves if you do not consent, this means that you are being coerced into having sex.
Not only are these HUGE red flags for any relationship, but they can also be confusing situations and are meant to be that way to keep you off kilter and easier to take advantage of. If someone truly likes and/or loves you they will not manipulate you into doing sexual acts of any kind.
Lack of protest or resistance does not mean consent, nor does silence mean consent. Affirmative consent must be ongoing and can be revoked at any time. Persons cannot consent if they are unconscious, incapacitated, unable to communicate due to a physical or mental condition.
Consent must always be informed.
That means that each partner is tranparent about any STI or STD that they have before sexual relations or perhaps someone says that they will use a condom but then don’t without your permission.
This can apply to your partner having unprotected sex with other peopel without informing you about it and therefore exposing you to a possible STD or STI without your knowledge.
You must be able to make an informed decision in order to consent to sexual acts of any kind.
You can not consent to a situation if somone is lying directly or by omission.
Does being in a relationship or being married to someone mean that you automatically consent to sexual acts with them?
Absolutely NOT!
Simply because you are in relationship with someone does not give them the right to have sex with you, without your consent. It doesn’t matter if you are in a relationship for 1 day or 50 years, all parties must be consenting to sexual activity EVERY TIME.
Just because you have consented to having sexual relations with someone in the past does not give them the right to have sex with you again without your consent. One-time consent doesn’t mean continued consent.
Regardless of the situation, if anyone gets in your personal space and makes you feel uncomfortable you absolutely have the right to set and establish boundaries.
You are not required to hug or even shake hands with someone if you don’t wish to do so. If you say no and the person persists, it is important that you enforce your personal boundaries. Oftentimes, predators will attempt to slowly wear down your boundaries by progressively crossing small ones to see if they can gain your trust and obedience.
Crossing small boundaries may look and sound like:
*The person getting angry when you set limits on how often you interact
*Disregard of your preferences in conversation, continually brings up topics that they know that you don’t like to talk about.
*Forcing affection even after you have expressed discomfort
*Make inappropriate jokes that they know make you feel uncomfortable.
*Guilt trip you into doing things that you don’t want to do.
*Make light of your emotional responses to things, saying that you are too sensitive or overreacting.
*Ignore your requests for space
*When you try to talk to them about a situation, they always turn it around and make themselves the victim, every time.
*Refuse to take ‘no’ for an answer in physical or social situations
*Taking your phone and going through it without permisson
Ulitimately, they seek to take advantage of your good nature and politeness.
Try to not allow yourself to fall into the ‘kindness trap’. Too often we find ourselves being too nice to people who make us feel uncomfortable because we feel that is what is expected of us.
You are not required to be nice or polite if you feel uneasy with someone who is around you. Be direct and stand your ground.
The more personal boundaries you give away due to implied social obligation, the more you are allowing yourself to be worn down to a position of compliance. Eventually they will then begin to escalate their behavior.
Let’s take a moment to talk about different responses that you may or may not have if someone is making you uncomfortable.
There is Fight– Your automatic reaction is to be aggressive and take no shit. Ready to throw down at any time.
There is Flight– Anxiety is up, and you just gotta GTFO, mentally or physically.
There is Freeze– You just shut down, you might be non-responsive. Unsure of how to handle the situation, you just hit a hard pause. This might be a mental or physical response.
There is Fawn– You are compelled to people please and can find it nearly impossible to be direct that you don’t like what is happening and will just go with the flow as to not anger the person who is engaging you. Sometimes it feels safer to NOT be direct because you are concerned about things escalating in negative ways..
All of these responses are normal; you might even feel a mixture of a couple of them.
They all serve a purpose and there is no wrong way to respond to a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable. If you have had a situation in the past that you froze or fawned when in retrospect you wish you would have done something differently it’s ok.
If you are concerned about your response in situations that make you uncomfortable please don’t be hard on yourself.
The important thing is that you safely get out of the situation.
Your safety and wellbeing are of the utmost importance.
Do not ever let someone shame you or criticize a response that you have had to any situation.
Let’s talk about Affirmative Consent and Enthusiastic consent.
In 2014 the state of California signed the 1st affirmative consent law (SB 967), aka “Yes means Yes“ into action for college sexual assault cases.
In a nutshell, the law says that affirmative consent means affirmative, conscious, and voluntary agreement to engage in sexual activity. It is the responsibility of all parties involved to ensure they have affirmative consent of others to participate in sexual activity.
How does that mean when we apply them in a practical situation?
When you actively practice Affirmative Consent with Enthusiastic Consent it means that instead of letting sexual situations progress until someone says “no” you instead verbally and physically consent while continually affirming to your partner what you want and that you are ok with what is happening to you.
Think of using phrases such as:
“Do you want me to.. “
“May I touch…?”
“I wish you would….”
“More please..”
“I love it when you..”
You get the idea.
Any partner involved in the situation can clearly withdraw consent at any time.
